Rolf Does Not Love You, Nazz-Girl
by Number1PixarFan
Summary: But he's going to marry you anyway. Nazz/Rolf/Kevin.
1. Coming of Age

**A/N: Ah, plot bunnies. They breed like plot bunnies. It took me about three days to write this chapter, which, let me tell you, is really quick for me.**

**I like how it turned out. And I really don't have much else to say about it, other than "Enjoy!" **

**And, of course, R&R. ;)**

* * *

Sarah was steaming. Nazz could see it from her second story window, the rabidity that was not unique to Sarah but to all adolescent girls in a state of lust. It wasn't an unusual sight. Nazz had reason to believe that the younger girl wore that expression while she brushed her teeth, so it didn't bother her to see her wearing it as she knocked at her door. No, what bothered Nazz was that Sarah was knocking at her door at all on a Thursday afternoon in November.

"Where's the fire?" she said apprehensively when she answered.

The urgency in Sarah's eyes was a thing of terror. "What are you doing?" she shrieked, grabbing Nazz's shoulders and shaking her like a coma patient. "We're all waiting!"

Nazz steadied herself, trying not to throw up. "For me? What, waiting for me? Why?"

"Um, _duh. _The note said that he couldn't start until _all _of the girls were gathered in his yard. You might be in loooove with your boyfriend, but that doesn't mean you can skimp out on helping me get a dreamboat of my own!"

"Sarah . . . Sarah! I have no idea what you're talking about."

Sarah pulled at her own hair with hands so red they nearly blended in. "Tell me you got the note," she said. "Didn't Rolf give you a –"

Nazz interrupted her. "Rolf?"

"Oh, yeah," said Sarah. A lecherous glint flashed past the upset in her eyes. "But he said he's not coming out of his house until everyone's there. Wait, where are you going?"

"I'll be right back! I just need to get my jacket!" said Nazz as she bolted upstairs and into her room. Her blue jacket was ready for her, laid out over the foot of her bed. She had barely picked it up, however, before she remembered the grass stain on the sleeve and the chocolate sauce over the breast and the – oh, God, that's what that was – yes, the drool on the inside of the hood. Rolf had seen her wear it before – in fact, there was a fifty-fifty chance the drool was his. But she couldn't put it on now. If this was such a special event, she would have to dress more . . .

More classy? No, that wasn't the word. When Nazz rushed to her closet, and when the first thing to catch her eye was her pink velveteen sweater, the one she was too self-conscious to wear to school, she knew what style she was aiming for.

She had to be sexy.

She wriggled into the tight sweater, spritzed apple perfume under the crook of her neck, and reapplied her peachiest lip gloss. She was in her bathroom, reaching for her straightening iron, when a screech of "Come on!" echoed through her house.

"I'm on my way!" Nazz replied. Reluctantly, she picked up a barrette and slipped it over the frizz behind her ear. She stole one last look in the mirror to make sure her boobs really stood out, and started to head back to the stairs. But then she remembered – she was going to see Rolf. There was one more thing she needed to bring.

Luckily, Sarah didn't ask why Nazz was so protectively keeping her hand in her pocket. She spent the duration of their walk to Rolf's place gushing about the young farmer and how badly she wanted to see him shirtless again because the last time, she'd been too young to appreciate how awesome it was. She told Nazz she thought he was "the hottest." Just weeks before, she'd said the same thing about Double-D. And even with two boys already holding the claim, the phrase still applied to Jonny 2x4 and some actor from Canada. Once, Sarah had even announced that Kevin had a very favorable spot on her list – with apologies to Nazz, of course.

Sarah had enough hormones to go around, but behind her constant fantasies was an unfulfilled heart – Nazz was sure of that much. It would never be enough just to imagine the world as a Chippendale revue with a rotating cast. Sarah's excitability only meant that she'd never been in love, had never felt the gravity, the euphoria. Nazz felt every extreme of romance just by reaching into her pocket.

She'd found it the day before, resting on her second story windowsill. There was no note of explanation; there was no identification – it was a simple gift, that was all. And yet, it was a gem: crisp, symmetrical, shaped like a heart and carefully embellished, with an outer shell that glistened by the dim light.

It was a garlic bulb with a loop of twine hot-glued to the bottom. So fondling it made her hands stink – Nazz didn't care. There was no denying it was the most flawless garlic bulb Rolf (it had to be from Rolf) had ever grown, and for God-knows-why, he wanted her to have it. The purpose of the twine was still a mystery, but she would ask him when she told him she'd received it, which was what she was on her way to do. He deserved to know that she'd received it well, and just how much she appreciated it, and him . . .

"Look who finally figured out she'll _never _be too good for us, girls! It's the Human Bicycle!"

"But Lee, that means _everyone _gets a ride. And she's got a boyfriend, don't she, Marie?"

"She _does, _you numbskull. But you know he's thinking about his motorbike every time they screw."

The Kankers burst into a cacophonous harmony of laughter. May, who was sitting atop the fence, kicked her legs so hard that she nearly fell backwards. Her sisters caught her before she hit the ground, making sure she stayed on Rolf's property. Nazz's ears began to burn, but then she realized that this wasn't mere heckling. The Kankers wouldn't have hopped the fence if they were just there to observe. They were there by invitation, and they meant business.

Nazz was reasonable enough not to respond. Sarah was not. "Quit ragging on Nazz! She came here even though she has that boyfriend, just so the rest of us could get to see Rolf . . . " She let out an artificial sigh.

Lee smirked at her sisters and traipsed across the lawn. "Well, ain't that cute. The kid thinks Farm Boy wants to sweep her off her feet." She raised a bunch of scarlet curls off her forehead to give Sarah a good, hard look in the eye. "Listen, sweetpea, we _all _got boyfriends," she said, gesturing to her sisters. "And we came anyway. That hick wouldn't know romance if it smacked him on the ass. He only needs us girls to do all the washing and cooking for him while his Ma's in the hospital with a busted leg."

Sarah squealed indignantly. "That's a lie!"

"Oh, I'd say it's a solid bet."

"How – how do you even know if his Mom's leg is broken?"

May and Marie began to chortle wildly. "That's my bad!" shouted May.

"And mine too," added Lee, eying Sarah smugly. She leaned down and flicked the younger girl on the forehead, and so the tussle began.

Nazz couldn't bother watching the two redheads push each other around. The scrape would be over as soon as one of them got bored, and that wouldn't concern her. Lee had already lost. Rolf was by far the most romantic guy in the neighborhood. He was just good enough to keep it a secret.

Nazz tiptoed away and tapped lightly on the high kitchen window. The blinds were drawn, as they always were, but if he couldn't see outside, how was he supposed to know she'd arrived? She stood with a ready and obedient smile on her face and her garlic cupped between her hands, hidden from the other girls but on display for the eyes that came to peer out the window.

Unfortunately, they weren't Rolf's eyes and they disappeared as soon as they caught sight of her. Nazz sighed and slipped the vegetable back into her pocket, only to hear the porch door slide open moments later. She knew exactly what was happening from Lee and Sarah's synchronized gasps. A familiar voice called "Gather, females of the cul-de-sac!" and Nazz responded eagerly.

And there he was: the yeoman farmer, tall and steadfast even through the Autumn chill. He wore nothing but linen overalls. Over his shoulder, he wielded a shepherd's staff – as he always did, of course, but this one was darker in color, longer, thicker, and engraved at the bottom. He used it to pull Marie towards him so he could kiss her on the mouth, and preceded to do so to every girl as he went down the line. In his other hand, he held what seemed to be a horn hollowed out from an animal's bone. When he reached Nazz, who had been waiting in guilty anticipation at the end of the line, she realized with some shock that it was actually a tobacco pipe. Still, not even the awful, choking taste could stop her from leaning into the crook of his staff and trying to push her tongue past his lips.

Rolf broke away much too soon. He marched back to the porch, accompanied by the sound of Sarah's giggles, and stood before the girls with his staff planted on the ground. For several moments, he was silent. The girls all tapped their feet in anticipation as he surveyed them. Finally, he spoke:

"On this day of much elation, Rolf celebrates the completion of eighteen years of life and thus, it has been named the day of his Entrance into Manhood! He was kept home from the edifice of education in order to go through all the customary Manhood Rituals – behold Rolf's clean-shaven arms! The new hair that will grow in its place will bring with it twice the strength than that which I had before.

"And behold, the Ewe-Thigh Pipe! A man must work for a respectable lung capacity, and today Rolf was tested! I could not come out from under the table until I had smoked without choking for ten straight minutes." He paused to cough, as if he were reliving the experience. "The pipe was carved by my Great Nano himself, and has been handed down along with this – the Walnut-Branch Staff!

"The staff is the most important piece of all. It serves no practical use, as Rolf already owned a child's staff. _But, _having this is my possession shows that I am no longer the son of a shepherd, but a shepherd in my own right."

"But you don't have any sheep, Rolf!" shouted May.

"It's a metaphor thing, May," said Marie before punching her sister in the arm. "Jeez! Hey, Rolfie, you wanna get to the point? What are we doing here?"

Rolf's expression changed from nostalgically proud to solemn. He bowed his head as if on his way to the guillotine as he walked down the steps and said, "Rolf was nearly to that part, thank you. Devil's-Child Kanker-girl, and other females of the cul-de-sac, you are the very reason that I was forced to wait so long. Were we in the Old Country, I would have already gone through the Entrance into Manhood at age twelve." He stopped in front of Marie. "But American mores do not allow children of that age to marry."

Every trace of smugness dissipated from Marie's face and she grabbed May's hand. "What?"

"One of you is to marry me."

For the first time in their lives, all three Kankers were silent at the same time. Then May squeezed Marie's hand harder and grabbed Lee's as well, and all three Kankers began to squeal.

Rolf flashed each of them a cold smile. "No, I will be _asking _one of you to marry me . . . I understand, not every one of you would willingly marry Rolf, so if she refuses, it will be no skin off her nose." He stopped and smiled at Sarah. "Only Rolf's."

"You don't have to worry about that!" replied Sarah, perhaps a bit too loudly.

"Good, then. Now, Rolf is not going to reveal his choice now –"

Four girls let out an audible sigh of disappointment, which made Rolf chuckle humorlessly.

Nazz laughed along with him, though she didn't find it all that funny. It was a cathartic laugh, the first noise she'd made in nearly ten minutes. If she were to open her mouth again, the only thing that would come out would be _marry, marry, marry_. Four times he'd said it already. _Marry. _The boy – man – she loved was talking about marriage, and oh God, now he was standing right in front of her while he talked about it. Her hand went instinctively into her pocket.

He was going to have to choose one of the horndogs standing to her right, right? He couldn't pick her. As far as anyone else in the neighborhood was concerned, Kevin was her steady, one-and-only boyfriend, and if anything happened to suggest that that wasn't the case . . . what a mess that would cause.

She let his dark eyes meet hers straight on as he finished his speech. _If only . . . _

"I won't tell you now," said Rolf, "but you must believe this." He was no longer smiling, but his eye contact with Nazz remained intense. "You will all find out soon enough. Whoever she is, she will know."

He stood staring silently for a long time, during which Nazz felt like her eyes might explode or her throat might go unquenchably dry. When he finally stepped back, bowed and whispered "Thank you, girls," it was nothing less than a relief. While Sarah and the Kankers were practically hyperventilating, Nazz was doubling over trying to breathe in just once.

"We're finally getting married, guys!" screamed May as soon as Rolf was back inside his house.

"One of us is getting married, scatterbrain, but nice try!" said Marie, joining hands with May to join her in jumping around like cuckoo birds.

Sarah's shouts were earsplitting and pretty much unintelligible. But the way she was shaking her head at Lee said it all – she was gloating.

Lee had only one thing to say in response. "So you were right after all, kid," she said. "It's too bad your knight in grimy armor is gonna have to step right over you. I heard that guys from his country have to marry the girl who takes his virginity." She beamed. "Also known as yours truly."

The girls were so caught up in the celebration that they didn't notice Nazz running away. She hopped over the fence, tearing her tight velveteen sweater without a care, and bolted to go lock herself up in her room. All the while, her hand was in her pocket and her fourth finger was slipping in and out of the loop of twine glued to the bottom of the garlic bulb. Finally, she realized its purpose: the garlic was a gem of its own class, but of course, an American woman would never recognize its meaning if they didn't put a ring on it.

Rolf's choice would find out "soon enough?" That was quite the understatement. No – he'd already proposed.

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**A/N: I will admit that some of that got the teensiest bit wish-fulfillmenty. I do have a slightly unhealthy obsession with Rolf, and that might have manifested itself in the form of all of the girls' sudden insane crushes on him. Sarah and the Kankers also have crushes on all the other guys, though, so I'm blaming the phenomenon partly on the fact that no other guys appear in this chapter.**

**Hey, I wrote it quickly. I tried my best.**

**But anyway, I hope you enjoyed it. Reviews are appreciated, and know that there will be more! **


	2. The Proposal

**A/N: Long wait, sorry! And short author's note, too. I'm going to see my cousins literally as soon as I finish writing this. Had to say something, though. ;)**

**Hope you like it! R&R!**

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Only one girl in the neighborhood was thoroughly unaffected by Rolf, and quite appropriately, he had not been invited to the farm as a potential bride. Jimmy was in the middle of a self-pedicure when Rolf's immodest declarations echoed through the cul-de-sac. He only rolled his eyes and reached for the rose lotion.

Not thirty minutes later, he was standing barefoot at Nazz's front door with panic in his eyes. Nazz heard the knocking and ran to her window. Relieved that it was neither Rolf nor Kevin, she waved kindly, which was apparently the only signal Jimmy needed to yank open the door and dash into her house.

"She was there with you, wasn't she?" he said shakily as he stood in the threshold of her bedroom. His bunny nose was glowing and his puppet hands were quivering.

"Little Dude, you were crying! Come here." Nazz sat on the edge of her mattress, and Jimmy came running with such speed that the inertia from the embrace that followed should have crushed her. But luckily, Jimmy had arms like cattails, which Nazz rubbed tenderly as she whispered, "Yes, she was there. But she's not –"

"Gosh, I'm so stupid! Did you know she's four whole months older than me? Can you believe it? But I always forget." Jimmy picked at the drying french tips on his toes. "We're not kids anymore. She's old enough to go running off with some boy. And she will, with any boy who isn't her brother." His voice hitched. "Or me."

Nazz was the only one Jimmy had trusted enough to confide to about his sexual orientation: head-over-heels straight for Sarah. It was now her mission, three years in the making, to take care of him as Sarah usually did. But she didn't possess the nuances of Sarah's overprotectiveness, and as she glanced at the snot edging towards his lip and the coiffed curls drooping over his eyes, she was about to make another mistake.

"I'm just a girl to her, aren't I?" whimpered Jimmy. "But not Rolf. No, he has arms and abs and... and shoulders, and –"

"Shh, Jimmy!" Nazz interrupted. "Stop worrying! Sarah isn't marrying Rolf. _I _am."

Jimmy's chest stopped spasming. He sat up and eyed her with astonishment. "What?"

Nazz, realizing what she'd done, threw Jimmy off of her so he lay splayed across her bed and stood. She slapped both hands over her mouth, inadvertently digging herself deeper.

Jimmy woozily pointed at her face. "What do you mean you're – are you wearing _garlic_?"

Nazz cringed. "Um, yes, yes I am," she said through her fingers. "Because I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be–" She let out a sigh. If someone had to be the first to be told, it might as well be Jimmy. It would at the very least cheer him up. " – well, an engagement ring."

Jimmy's inner sorority sister burst forward with guns blazing. "Oh my_lanta_!" he exclaimed, leaping off the bed and running to her. He took her hand in his, and examined the ring with a grin. "Wow, that's disgusting!" he said. "But at the same time, cute. Ohmigosh, it kind of looks like a heart! See the little dip right here?"

"I know. It's beautiful, isn't it?"

"Oh, wow, lucky you." Jimmy smiled sadly and put a hand on her shoulder. "It's really too bad you're gonna have to say no."

Nazz's eyes widened and she smacked Jimmy away.

He whimpered.

"Why the hell would I say no? I'll take a gap year for school if I have to, because I love him and I'm going to marry him."

"But you're dating Kevin."

Nazz fell silent.

"You _are _dating Kevin, aren't you?"

She'd forgotten. Oh God, she'd forgotten that nobody knew about her and Rolf and Kev and their little triangle business. Nobody was ready to know.

"Or wait..." Jimmy gasped.

She wasn't ready to explain.

"Adulteress!"

"Jimmy..."

"You're not denying it, are you?"

"It's not that simple, Jimmy, it's just... people change, and feelings change and..."

"You think you know a girl. But you know what, Nazz? You're just like Sarah. Fickle! Impulsive! Whatever happened to loving one special boy?" Jimmy gesticulated sharply, and perhaps inadvertently, he indicated himself.

Nazz could tell he was about to cry again. But he wasn't really upset with her.

"I can't believe this," Jimmy blubbered. He collapsed onto Nazz's bed and started fanning his peeling toenails with his hands.

Nazz sat down next to him. He would hate her forever if she touched his clothes with garlic, so she slipped off her ring and placed it gently on the foot of the bed before reaching for his shaking hands. "Jimmy," she begged softly, "can I please say something?" She would explain herself. Anything to calm his neuroses.

Jimmy sniffled for a few moments. "Fine," he said with teeth clenched as he propped himself up on his elbows. "But don't try to feed me any bullpoop, or I'll give you such a pinch!"

Poor kid. Even at his most distraught, he couldn't swear. "Okay," Nazz began. "Rolf and I..."

She tried to look him right in the eye, but her gaze kept returning to his twitching little bunny nose glowing bright red. He was just so freaking _young._

"Rolf and I wanted to know – would you like to be my wedding planner?"

Jimmy glared silently for several seconds, but then his mood changed violently. "Boy howdy, would I!" he exclaimed, grabbing onto Nazz's shoulders in glee.

Nazz grinned in relief and squeezed him tight. She could feel the motion of thousands of campy ideas already being born inside his little head, and she thought to herself, _Crisis averted._ This would keep him happily distracted, enough so that he wouldn't ask any more questions. For a second she wondered if she'd made a terrible mistake – Jimmy had enough hormones in him to stun a rooster, and that might get dangerous. But she shook it off. This was to her benefit, after all. The wedding was going to be fabulous.

Now all she had to do was confirm that the wedding was hers.

* * *

Nazz roller-skated to school the next morning with a heavy garbage bag clutched protectively against her stomach. She had a very special delivery to make. Unfortunately, she hadn't calculated the physics behind it – her arms gave out two blocks away from the school, taking the bag and the rest of her body with them.

From several blocks behind her, a voice shouted, "Hey, Nazz!" She hadn't begun inspecting her person for scrapes or tears before she found Kevin leaning down next to her with his bike parked up against the fence. "You okay, babe?"

Nazz nodded and looked around at the spilled contents of her bag. Nothing was lost except for the tomato – her _only _tomato – which was squished all over the sidewalk and her baby-doll-blue jacket. Damn. She really needed to wash that jacket.

"That's a lot of vegetables." Kevin knelt down and began gathering the produce in his arms. "You never told me you were in the cooking class," he said facetiously as he took the bag from her to put them back inside.

"Yes, that's what they're for," said Nazz quickly. "I just joined Cooking. We're making a vegetable... um, salad." She shook out her aching arms and picked up as much as she could before Kevin could touch them.

Kevin ultimately picked up the final item, however. Nazz's stomach flipped upside down when she saw the tiny thing he was turning around in his hand – her ring. Now of all times was not when she wanted to tell him. Her hope that he would never find out disappeared before her eyes, until Kevin, having no reason to be suspicious of a bulb of garlic, shrugged and tossed it into the bag.

"Hey, I missed you this morning," he said as they both stood. "In a hurry, are ya?"

"No." Nazz looked at the ground as she brushed herself off. "I just like to skate alone sometimes."

"Oh. Sure." Kevin got the message quickly and, with a look of dejection, grabbed onto the handle of his bike. "I'll see you in English, cool?"

"Uh-huh."

"I'd offer to carry that bag for you, but you know," he said as he straddled the bike. "She doesn't really have space for something that big." He leaned over to kiss her, then winked and rode off down the sidewalk, shouting, "You know I love you, babe!" behind him.

Nazz sighed. He always said that: _you know I love you._ It was like he knew how bad he was at showing it.

Once Kevin was out of sight, she hoisted up the bag and started to move, more slowly this time. She imagined Rolf as he had appeared the afternoon before – proud, rugged, and impassioned, with practically every trait of his that she adored turned up two-hundred percent (except for the body hair, which she prayed would grow back quickly). Mentally, she inhaled deeply and prepared herself for the same sight in a more domestic setting.

In reality, when she found him feeding Victor at the bike rack, he hardly looked different than he had two days before. He wasn't even carrying his new staff. He was just Rolf, the Rolf who still got confused by American idioms, the Rolf who stood out awkwardly as both the tallest and the darkest. The Rolf who, despite all of that, was self-assured as hell. This was the boy Nazz had fallen in love with.

She picked up speed, rolling as fast as she could until she was right in front of him. He didn't notice until she put a hand on Victor's back to steady herself. "Nazz-girl!" he said with slight surprise and a tiny smile.

She shoved the garbage bag into his arms. The feed in his hand clattered to the ground, and Victor bleated angrily.

"Shh! Victor, do not forget, you are a _bicycle._" Rolf smacked Victor on the bottom, which only made the animal bleat more loudly. Every day, he risked detention or worse for tethering his goat to the bike rack, but all the consequences in the world could not stop him. It was tradition. It was what he did.

"I don't know what your custom is for this, so I brought every vegetable I could," said Nazz breathlessly. "Just tell me when you find the right one."

Rolf raised an eyebrow and sat down cross-legged next to the bag with Victor as his headrest. "Ah... yes, the Moldy Potato of Boredom," he muttered as he sifted through the bag's contents. "The Cucumber of Fear... the Hollowed Gourd of Go Fuck Yourself..."

Nazz blushed. "Oh God. Just ignore those... I didn't know..."

"Rolf is only yanking on your baby toe, Nazz-girl! These particular foods are absolutely meaningless." He laughed as he rifled through the bag, but suddenly, his face fell. "Except for this. You are not returning this to Rolf, are you?"

"I was keeping it in there so I wouldn't lose it." Nazz reached down to take the ring back but forgot about her skates. She leaned too far and collapsed on top of him. He caught her by the shoulders, and besides having spooked Victor, they were both fine. Blushing even harder, she looked up and caught his gaze. "I'm keeping it, Rolf," she whispered. "Because I know what it means. I don't know what else I need to give you, though, so just tell me and I'll get it to you right away."

Rolf gently rolled Nazz onto the ground next to him. He looked at the cloudy sky and chuckled. "Unlearned Nazz-girl! Rolf needs only to see you wear the Bulb of Asking and to hear you say yes." He shifted onto his knees and helped Nazz do the same, holding the garlic dearly in his left hand.

Nazz couldn't feel her arms or her legs, her head or her heart. They were up floating among the dramatic November clouds, busy living out a dream that had never been had. As much as she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Rolf, she had never been able to imagine it, sure that, like a coward, she would one day agree to a reluctant, boring marriage with Kevin. In the mere second it took to glimpse Rolf holding out that ring, that fear lifted off her shoulders.

She wanted this. She had no doubts. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see the handlebar of Kevin's bike, positioned so it seemed it was coming right out of the goat's head, and she felt no guilt. That four-year-long mistake was over.

The school bell shrieked, but she didn't hear it. Her focus was on Rolf as he grabbed her by the wrist and held the garlic and twine halfway between their noses. "Nazz-girl wishes to see Rolf enter into manhood, does she not?"

"I totally do."

"Let Rolf see for sure, then. Nazz-girl," he said, "will you marry Rolf?"

Nazz jumped, surprised even though she had expected it fully. With tears in her eyes, she answered. "Oh my God, yes!"

Rolf grinned. "Once you complete your eighteenth year, we shall marry, yes?"

She let him guide her ring finger into the twine. When he finished, she immediately threw her arms around his neck and leaned forward to kiss him. Her lips had barely grazed his when he pushed her away.

"Please, Nazz-girl, be decent," he whispered. "We are simply betrothed. No intimacy is allowed before the wedding." He patted her cheek apologetically and started to make his way towards the school, but not before proudly revealing that he'd somehow hidden his enormous new staff underneath Victor's belly. It struck the seat of Kevin's bike as he hoisted it above his shoulder.

Nazz watched him go with confusion. That stupid rule had come out of absolutely nowhere – they were "intimate" all the time before now. But she couldn't let that bother her. That was her fiancee. _Officially. _

She was getting married.


	3. Glowing

**A/N: No, this story is not dead! This chapter just took a ridiculously long time – so long, even I started getting impatient. Doubtless, I have been working very hard on the plot outline, it just took me a while to get around to writing the actual words. But I've had a very busy couple of weeks, and now school is over, so it should move a little quicker now!**

**I hope you enjoy this chapter! Please R&R!**

* * *

It's eerie to go through life as a fiancee, especially the first few days, living as one did before. Somehow her routine should change, she thinks. But it doesn't. She's not a fiancee running laps around the basketball court, but another girl running.

It started to rain while the girls were changing out for gym, and by the time the Kankers had finished ogling themselves in the mirrors and filed out, it was a full-out thunderstorm. As student assistant, Nazz was at a quandary. She had to choose the indoor game? None of them were cool. Not for a fiancee.

With the coach taking a call in her office, the class was sluggish and uninspired. Nothing new. It was an act, of course, and no one was worse at hiding it than May Kanker. She sat frog-legged on top of her books, staring at her sisters like they would move if she believed hard enough. She swatted blonde flyaways out of her eyes and tapped her fingers on the floor and finally, raised her hand. "Teacher's Assistant, I got a suggestion!"

Nazz looked up from her ring in a daze. "Oh, yes, anything," she said. It occurred to her too late that May was probably going to take another shot at her spitting contest idea.

May fell forward onto her knees and gathered up the messy pile of her books. Cautiously noting the wandering glances of the other girls, she scurried to Nazz's side and whispered, "I think that we should . . . um, give you this." She poked Nazz in the ribs with a very thick, very neat white binder.

"Oh, May, that's not a game."

"Double-D gave it to me, after he took it from Marie," May said. "And she stole it from that little guy Dutch."

_His name is Jimmy. _Sarah would have pummeled May straight through the gymnasium floor. But Nazz was not Sarah, and she could only picture her wedding planner – the one whose monogram was engraved on the binder's spine.

"I asked Double-D what I was s'posed to do with it, but then Marie got started kissin' him, so I thought, it has your name on it, and –"

Compelled by bridal reflex, Nazz ripped the binder out of May's hands. _James Kenneth Jacobs, _read the cover in thick cursive, _Couture Wedding Planner. __**Client: Nazz von Bartonschmear. **_Nazz laughed and started thumbing through the pages. There were already pictures upon pictures of dresses and cakes and even a few place setting diagrams. Jimmy was a wonderful little piece of work.

"Also, a spittin' contest's a great rainy day game."

Nazz looked up. "May, did you look at this at all?"

May shrugged. "Hell, I don't know what any of those big words on the cover mean. Why bother tryin' to read the rest of it when you can barely read the title?" She sighed. "I coulda asked Double-D, but dumb old Marie . . . "

"Quit sucking up to the cheerleaders, May! It won't get you nowhere!" Lee shouted.

Oh, the gym class. Nazz hastily shut the binder and tucked it under her arm. "Okay, girls, are you ready? Today's a great day to spit!" she said, catching the attention of exactly three people. "Three laps around the basketball court to start! Let's go-go-go!"

Lee rolled her eyes but pushed herself to her feet. She cracked her neck and knuckles and, with a farewell wave of her middle finger, started padding her lazy way around the gym. The other girls slowly followed their tallest classmate's lead, all except for one.

"Come on, May," Nazz said.

May didn't budge. She stood with hands behind her back and an expectant half-smile. When Nazz tilted her head imperatively, she tilted hers the other way, indicating the crook of Nazz's left arm.

Nazz nodded. "_Thank you, _May."

With that, May giggled and grinned. "Not a problem, Nazz!" she yelled as she started off.

Nazz reluctantly put down Jimmy's binder, making sure to hide it securely behind her backpack as she eyed Marie. She and Lee were already somehow on either side of their blondest sister, asking her questions and sticking their legs in front of hers and practicing for the spitting contest that was apparently going to happen. How lovely. Nazz had never felt empathy for a Kanker before. She could see now just how much they delighted in their own vitriolic company.

Maybe she was projecting her own happiness. Maybe it was only temporary, but there was something genuine about their wicked smiles.

* * *

Changing out was called early when Marie slipped on her own loogie and got sent to the nurse.

Nazz was bestowed a mop and bucket and told to wipe up all of the saliva before the bell rang. The coach had not blamed Nazz for the incident – it was her duty as a teacher's assistant – which made it even stranger that May offered to stay behind and help.

"I'll carry the bucket around for you, Nazz!" she said. Her arms wobbled as she made her attempt to lift it in one hand.

Nazz smiled at her curiously. She didn't object.

With her free hand, May reached into the pocket of her gym shorts. "D'you know where Marie fell? It was over there, wasn't it?"

Nazz nodded as she swung the mop back and forth. She had a sudden urge to whistle in time.

"She left cool skid marks!" said May, pulling a disposable camera out of her pocket. "I'm gonna show her and she's gonna be so proud of herself." She dropped the bucket and scurried over to where she'd pointed. A quick series of flashes went off in the corner of Nazz's eye. "Neat pictures! You wanna see?"

"No, I'm good."

The room was silent for a few moments. May hesitated. Eventually, she ran back to Nazz and grabbed the bucket again. "Y'know, Marie might be so embarrassed that she'll wax off my eyebrows while I'm sleepin' tonight." She laughed. "Remember when I went bald-faced freshman year? That was funny. My face was real cold, though."

Nazz wished she did remember. "Is that why Double D made that hair tonic?" she said after a moment.

May grunted as she tried to lift the bucket. "Yeah, I had a moustache for a month!" she said with a giggle.

"You're happy today, aren't you?"

May slipped and slid across the floor, ending up uncomfortably close to Nazz. "Why wouldn't I? I'm gettin' married!"

Nazz froze. She turned to the homelier blonde. "You?"

May didn't say anything. She just looked up at Nazz with lambish, tepid blue eyes.

"Married, like Rolf-married?"

May hummed decisively and, after a moment, shrugged and said, "I dunno. I could be." She raised her hands as if in self-defense.

Nazz stood for a moment, just long enough to get over her false shock. As she moved on to the next square foot of floorboards, she watched May. The Kanker girl's business was through, but she remained, aimless, in the middle of the gymnasium, biting her cheek and looking at her hands. She was lost.

She feared Rolf. She feared being asked to marry him because she was a Kanker; she would be obligated to accept, even though she was in love with another boy.

Nazz still could not believe she was feeling sympathy for a Kanker. But there's a first time for everything, and today, a bride-to-be propped her mop against the wall and lent a comforting arm to May. She glanced at the wedding binder nestled in her other arm and said, "May, can I tell you something?"

* * *

By the end of the day, everyone knew. Thanks in no small part to May and her big mouth, Nazz was inundated by so many congratulations that she sometimes couldn't remember what for quickly enough. Even Sarah managed to crack a smile, and she had by far been the most excited. Nazz was glowing when she got on the bus, the parade following closely behind her. She was being loved from every direction.

She took her usual seat in the very back, and everyone filed in after her, crowding the last two seats. Questions they'd been unable to ask in class were thrown at her: "How did it happen?" "You two? I had no idea!" "You're certain this is what you want?" Nazz could only grin and giggle in response, so wonderfully overwhelmed was she by the attention.

The only kid to stay completely quiet and questionless was Ed. His head poked up awkwardly between May and Edd, and he looked like a kindergartner with no clue how he got on the high school bus. Nazz grinned as she watched him. She could imagine her own child being just like him, for the first years of his life at least. It almost sounded like he was asking for Daddy when he finally spoke. "Hey, where's Rolf?"

Nazz thought little of it. Rolf had brought the goat to school, so he was walking home. Kevin wasn't on the bus, either, because of his bike.

"Well, there's his goat," said Sarah, her finger pressed against the glass.

Nazz turned her head suddenly to see the white mass writhing next to the bike rack – Victor, soaking wet and trying in vain to free himself. As the school disappeared behind them, she could hear his bleats.

She stood with a grand gesture. "Stop the bus!" she said.

The kids screamed in delight as the bus lurched and sent them all tumbling backwards. And then they were silent.

"I am going to do a favor," said Nazz proudly, with a dramatic tear in her eye, "for my fiancee!"

The bus broke out in applause as she heroically leapt into the pouring rain.

By the time she reached the bike rack, her jacket was ten pounds heavier and her sight was impaired by dripping mascara. Victor thrashed against the rope, the translucent water from his beard flying like bullets into Nazz's face. He bit and kicked at her as she stubbed her fingers against the metal to rip away his leash – damn the Urban Rangers and their stereotypical knot-tying skills!

She coughed when Victor bleated in her face – inaudible against the rain but very potent. "I'm going to bring you back to your person!" she shouted as she took out her roller skates and wrestled them over his hooves.

Finally, the goat was free and his legs were restrained. Nazz bolted down the sidewalk, hanging on to what seemed the very inch of her life, gasping and sputtering through the falling water as she pulled Victor behind her. She reached his barnhouse with bite marks, split ends, and crushed toes, and she didn't care at all. She was doing this for Rolf. This would certainly be wedded bliss – coming home beaten and ragged from work and leaping into the comforting arms of one's spouse. The loving toil seemed over until Victor took the leash in his mouth and rolled away. Nazz weakly started off to catch him, but then she heard the voices.

"Kevin is not angry, then?"

"What? I'm pissed." Kevin's voice was loud enough for Nazz to follow. She walked around to the other side of the barn and pressed her ear against the wall just in time to hear, "You know I love her." She rolled her eyes.

"But you do not yell. You do not cry. You are angry with Nazz-girl, not with Rolf."

"I never said that. You're a backstabbing son-of-a-bitch."

"...of a shepherd," Rolf corrected quietly. Nazz giggled to herself.

"But I'm not gonna yell at you as long as you keep doing –" Kevin was cut off sharply. It wasn't like him to think better of it during an impassioned rant, so he'd either been tranquilized or had gotten his mouth covered . . .

Nazz moved in closer to the wall, straining to hear what she could over the rain and the distant thunder. She stood in suspense for seconds, and when the first sound to come was the wet pop of two pairs of lips separating, her heart sank.

"Rolf sees no better time to say this," said Rolf in a booming and nearly inaudible whisper. "I love you, Kevin."

* * *

**A/N: Aaaaand cliffhanger. **

**I hope you liked it! More is coming soon, I promise I promise, I PROMISE.**


	4. Infidelity

**JULY 9TH UPDATE: I revised a bit at the end! It doesn't suck anymore.**

**A/N: Hastily-written, but I think it's solid. There was a scene I wanted to write at the end with Jimmy planning weddings and stuff, but I just wanted to get this done and go to bed. (AS OF JULY 9TH, THIS SCENE IS NOW PRESENT)  
**

**Not much else to say here but hope you enjoy!**

**And hey, the 19****th**** is my birthday, so if you want to get me a present, reviews would be great...**

* * *

Nazz ripped away from the wall and froze as she registered what she'd just heard. She couldn't tell if she was crying. Her face was too sopping wet from the rain, but she needed to feel her own tears to validate her shock. Until then, she was numb.

A bolt of lightning suddenly pierced the center of the cul-de-sac. Nazz opened and closed her mouth, the closest she could get to a scream, and threw herself into another tool shed.

Huddled over a pile of rakes and trowels, she knew for sure she was crying. Her throat was swollen from the dry sobs that grew more violent every time she replayed Rolf's words: "I love you, Kevin." Despite the time they'd spent together making love, once inside this very shed, he had never said the same thing to her. She'd never even heard a boorish third-person equivalent, _Rolf loves you, Nazz-girl. _

The love of her life was a gay boy. Marrying her was an obligation, another passionless job he had to complete. Or perhaps he was just so ashamed that he needed her to block the closet door.

Nazz lay her head against a sack of mulch, and she could hear the sound her own teeth chattering, a hollow comfort. Her poor Rolf was burdened with secrecy. She could only cry for him.

The storm was intense but it passed quickly. As the rain slowed, the loud and damning grunts and moans from the other shed became increasingly noticeable. Nazz hugged her backpack with one arm and used the other to cover her ears as she ran, embarrassed, past the boys' tryst, through the cul-de-sac, and into her bedroom, where she threw down the backpack but kept her soaking jacket on. The cold was the only thing distracting her from the incident.

She turned on her table fan and lay on her bed, hands over her eyes, trying not to think about how she'd giddily and ignorantly watched Kevin and Rolf do it on top of those very same sheets. The air blasted at her and, although at first she convulsed from her back onto her front, eventually her body was numb.

As she stared blankly at the ceiling, she thought happy thoughts. How thankful was she that she'd broken up with Kevin? The guy knowingly slept around with people who were engaged to others. Assuming the engagement was still on . . .

Oh God, could she still marry him?

She scrambled to her bathroom and began poking at her face with lipstick and pulling at her hair with a comb. The beautifying process was a favorite distraction of hers, especially when combined with her mantra. "Nazz, you are lovely and you are loved. Your problems don't matter, because you are lovely and loved."

_Lovely and loved. And loved. Loved. _

It was a motivational lie.

It looked like someone had sneezed all over her face. The process of making herself presentable would take hours. Nazz realized this and let the very corners of her mouth tick upwards for a moment – she could lose herself completely.

She wiped her eyes clean and started up her blow dryer. With hair gel in her left hand and eyeliner in the right, she was content. She thought happy thoughts once again: perhaps what she'd heard had been taken out of context. Well, no, there was absolutely no context needed to interpret what she'd overheard. Still, he hadn't said, "I love you, Kevin, and nobody else whatsoever." There was a possibility . . . but why would he push _her _away and then go around making out with . . .

Nazz opened her eyes suddenly to see that she looked worse than before. Her hair was frizzy and uneven and her makeup was running. Clearly, this was the work of someone dazed and crazy, and sure enough, all the happy thoughts in the world couldn't make Nazz figure out what she thought. As she stared blankly into her own messy eyes, she shut the blow dryer off with a weak click. The screech of the machine was replaced with a collection of shouts from outside. Happy shouts – oh, the feeling of happiness.

It was soon clear that the voices she heard were coming from her own front yard and were, in fact, calling for her. Nazz was only sure of one thing – she didn't want to leave her room – but she couldn't lock herself up today of all days. She'd become a fiancee that very morning, and if they didn't see her acting the way they expected her to, they would suspect something horrible.

So she made a few futile wipes at her makeup, trudged downstairs, and opened the front door to a fresh new afternoon and every kid in the neighborhood cheering for her. She forced a smile and waved humbly. Before she could say even a "hello," a warm hand grabbed her by the wrist and raised her arm.

"Enter, the bride!" Rolf cried.

Nazz blushed in spite of herself. "Rolf -?"

"Nazz-girl the Betrothed has _been _betrothed for mere hours, and yet Rolf sees already that he chose correctly." Rolf stuck his chest out as he held her like a trophy. He made eye contact with every jealous young man in the audience. "She shows far more potential for wifedom than he expected from any bozo-American, having completed a chore this afternoon without any imperative from myself." He knelt down, still holding her arm tight, and pushed something towards her. "The proof!"

Her roller skates. Patched up and conspicuously free of any goat hair. "Oh, Rolf, thank you," Nazz murmured.

Rolf lurched back up again. "Small talk later, Nazz-girl the Betrothed!" he scolded. He couldn't stay serious for a second and flashed a half-smile before adding, "Rolf must know this: when is your birthday?"

Nazz could only smile nervously. He didn't know? Not surprising, as right now she was having trouble remembering.

"It's February 26, ya dork." A voice from the crowd answered, callous and unmistakable. Kevin. He stood in the very back, presumably to hide that begrudgingly satisfied smile from the other kids.

Rolf nodded. "Yes, well, Nazz-girl the Betrothed and all, the wedding shall be the twenty-sixth of February!"

"Actually, Rolf, the 26th is a Thursday – a school day, that is," said another boy. Edd stood off to the side with a legal pad and a pen in his hands. He seemed to be taking notes. "Perhaps the following Saturday would be more –"

"More what, Obsessive-Computive Ed-boy?"

"More, well . . . I thought . . . March 1, Rolf, March 1."

Rolf looked at Nazz. He still held her hand in the air, and she was beginning to lose feeling in that arm. But she loved the feeling of his fingers wrapped around hers. She smiled and shrugged at him.

He sighed. "The first of March, then."

Jimmy cheered, then got a look of realization on his face and took off running.

"Nazz-girl the Betrothed, do you accept this date?"

Nazz swallowed. "Yes. Um, Rolf? Can we talk about this new nickname?"

"No, we cannot, Nazz-girl the Betrothed," responded Rolf as he finally let her arm go. "Not until today's ceremony is over. Present the Bulb of Asking to Rolf."

Nazz looked down, eyes wide. She'd completely forgotten about her ring. It had been exposed through the entire storm, and now it was mushy and flaking. Embarrassed, she hid her hand behind her back, but Rolf was quick to reach for it. Thankfully, he seemed unfazed by the state of the garlic.

"Lovely as the day it sprouted, yes?" he said as he held it right up to his eye. "_Yes?_" he repeated with vitriol, which was met with a few frightened murmurs. "Yes. Take this in your hand, Nazz-girl the Betrothed."

Nazz opened her palm and allowed him to place the garlic in it. He closed his hand over hers, locked eyes with her, and smiled.

And then he started to squeeze.

Nazz gasped as she heard her engagement ring crinkle and crack. The other kids did as well, but they could not have been more shocked than Nazz. Rolf was crushing her, somewhat literally – she would probably need a hospital later. But more than anything, he was crushing whatever was left of her spirit. If this was him calling off the wedding . . . well, at least he had guts, coming out like this.

Rolf turned to her as tears pricked at the corners of her eyes. "What is the bozo-American Nazz-girl waiting for, a bomb to drop?" he whispered harshly. "Squeeze!"

"But why?" she squeaked.

"Are you so uneducated?" said Rolf.

Nazz opened and closed her mouth fruitlessly. The tears threatened to spill down her face as the juices she didn't even know garlic had spilled down her arm. But then she overheard Double-D explaining to Ed and May. "An enigmatic tradition but a lasting one. I've read several riveting essays and dissertations on its origins, but too many of them hypothesize that either the garlic, the act, or both represent sex, which seems entirely out of character for . . . "

"Well-Groomed Jimmy tells me you like gems," Rolf whispered. With his free hand he reached into his pocket. He pulled out a small fiasco of twisted aluminum wire with a red rhinestone in the center.

"Oh God, what is that?" Nazz choked out.

"The unfortunate product of Ranger Jimmy's earning his Metalworking Badge. Your new 'Ring' of Asking."

Tears started to drip down Nazz's nose. Gradually, she let herself apply pressure to the garlic. Juices dripped onto both of their shoes as she tried to sniffle her tears away. A bit of salt water went up her nostril. She looked up at Rolf. He looked ahead, distant and focused. Sick curiosity made Nazz wonder if he was gazing at his lover, but then she saw that kevin had left.

Others started to leave, as well, as the garlic took its sweet time decomposing. Sarah stomped home, dragging her brother along with her. Lee took Eddy roughly by the arm and Marie tried to follow with Edd. He resisted.

Nazz sighed and rooted silently for Double-D. She took the time to mouth a short prayer for love, soon to be interrupted by Rolf's free hand under her chin. He tilted her head up and kissed her.

Nazz's hand clenched fast around his. He tasted heavily of tobacco, but that hardly seemed a problem anymore. Anything was okay so long as it masked the lingering presence of the boy who'd been there first. She suppressed her gags by pressing her tongue against his.

She'd doubted that she would ever kiss Rolf again.

Finally, the Bulb of Asking was as shrunken and dry as a pebble. Rolf coaxed their lips apart, and Nazz gasped for air. She looked out with a dazed smile at their audience now down to three (Double-D, May Kanker, and a clueless Jonny 2x4). They were all reeling at the garlic stench. Nazz could no longer smell it.

Rolf released her hand and the stone fell unceremoniously to the ground. He lifted her other hand and position Jimmy's ring at her fingertip, and although she watched him do it, she could not feel it. She had an itching suspicion that he was not really engaging himself to her. Even though he'd left, Nazz swore she heard Kevin scoff over her shoulder as the ring slipped over her knuckles.

May began to applaud enthusiastically, Double-D pausing his note-taking to join in. Rolf took his fiancee's chin in his hand and smiled blandly. "Nazz-girl," he murmured.

And then she kissed him even harder than she had before. Her opportunities to get in close to him would be scant, it seemed; she needed to seize as many as she could before she lost him forever.

* * *

Jimmy came over early the next morning. The white binder had ballooned over night, so much that he had to ring the doorbell with his nose. His eyes were red and manic as they tracked Nazz's reactions to the dresses he'd picked out.

"Ooh... oh, this one, Jimmy," she murmured, sweeping her palm over one carefully laminated photo of a model in a simple sheath dress. The only ornamentation was a translucent flowered sash under the breast. It was beautiful.

"So boring, isn't it?" Jimmy said with a yawn. "Gosh, I don't know why that's still in there. Here." Before Nazz could stop him, he reached over and tore the page out of the binder. "I make awful decisions when I stay up past curfew."

Nazz blinked.

"You understand how much stress you're putting on me, don't you? March 1 is in just over three months. That's no time to plan a wedding."

Nazz fluttered her fingers by her ear, picking up several tangled strands of hair. She hadn't brushed yet.

"This is my first wedding planning gig, you know," Jimmy said. He took a dramatic breath in. "If I'm being completely honest, I don't know if I can even go through with this crazy thing."

All of the blood rushed to Nazz's ears. Someone had finally articulated what she couldn't say. She looked over at Jimmy, who was waiting impatiently for her response. With a sigh, she opened her mouth and let the words trickle out. "I have to say, Jimmy..."

She paused. She was so tired, probably even more tired than Jimmy was, even though she'd slept well. She'd dreamed about Rolf, and everything she'd gone through the day before. Except, she realized, for the two kisses.

Nazz sank into her bed as she recalled the kisses. They were so comfortable. He was so comfortable, at least for her. And she realized that even if he loved a man, he was still choosing her.

Screw Kevin, she thought. She would go through with this.

Jimmy raised a platinum blond eyebrow. "What do you have to say?"

Nazz met his eyes and smiled genuinely. "I have to say that you're going to have to pull through. This is Rolf's one and only wedding, and he needs it in three months."

* * *

**A/N: I'm going to camp for six weeks on Sunday, so the next update might take a while. I have limited computer access there, so I'll try to post what I can. Until then, though, I'm leaving you with this chapter. Which I hope liked. :)**


	5. December

**A/N: It just won't stay dead!**

**I am so so so so so so so so so sorry that this took so long. I had camp for six weeks and then some college search stress leading to debilitating writer's block. But I finally did it! The chapter might benefit from some revision, but screw that. I want this published so people other than me know what happens.**

**I hope this chapter was worth the wait. Please, R&R!**

* * *

Nazz rose early, just like Rolf. Anyone who'd known her a year before would have laughed at the idea: Nazz, a morning person? Granted, she still woke up with rancid breath and a sore neck, but the day after she first realized her true feelings for Rolf, she got to school before the late bell for the first time in her life. The distant sputter of a tractor idling beckoned her. For her then-boyfriend's sake, she couldn't follow the sound and instead had to greet the sunrise with her arms squeezing her childhood teddy bear. But now that she and Rolf were public, she was out of the house by six every morning.

It wasn't groping on top of a tractor by dawn, like the fantasy she'd described graphically to her teddy bear, but she was just there to say hello. He had grueling, sweaty work to get to, after all.

A week into December, it snowed overnight. Nazz put on the faux-bear-hide winter jacket Rolf had gifted to her (part of her "dowry") and brushed her hair for ten extra minutes before leaving. Today he was going to kiss her of his own volition and maybe apologize for being gay with Kevin, because the Old World vision of beauty was a woman who looked like a hairy coat.

She expected to find him awake from force of habit but bored from lack of work, and just bisexual enough to actually look at her, but clearly did not understand his work ethic.

Rolf was straddling a big John Deere, just like every day. And just like every day, he startled and fell off when she greeted him, "Good morning, baby."

He spat out a mouthful of snow and shouted, "Who flatters himself with the right to interrupt a shepherd's preparatory toils?"

"His fiancee."

Rolf rubbed the snow out of his eyes and squinted. "Oh. Good morning, Nazz-girl." He hoisted himself up, bare hands flat against the metal of the tractor. "Why do you call?"

Nazz frowned. "I thought you might not be working today," she said. She leaned slightly over the fence and scanned the yard.

"You mock Rolf, do you not?" He raised an eyebrow. "Had Nazz-girl taken the briefest gander upon the driveway, she would have seen the wretched blanket."

Oh. There was an attachment at the front of the tractor, sloppily put together but still, its reason was clear. Rolf was about to plow the driveway. Nazz protested, "There's, like, an inch of snow on the ground."

Rolf stared at her with eyes bright red from the snow. "Yes. Does Nazz-girl have a point?"

Nazz looked at the ground. She had to admit that the farm was not the most attractive place when covered in snow – glistening whiteness just made chicken poop ten times more disgusting. "No . . . " she muttered. Out of the corner of her eyes she could see Rolf shake his head and lift his leg to mount the tractor, and she realized that if he cared so much about his driveway, the only way to get her kiss was her Hail-Mary. Gently slipping off her jacket had always worked on Kevin.

Rolf's eyes widened and he abandoned his work. Success – Nazz closed her eyes in anticipation of his lips embracing hers . . .

"You are not returning Rolf's dowry!" he exclaimed. Nazz opened her eyes to see his gloved hand clutching his chest.

"What? No, never!" said Nazz, her heart suddenly racing. The jacket fell past her fingers and she scrambled to keep it off the snow. "I love this coat –" She snuggled it up to her chin. The long hairs poked into her nose and she fought not to sneeze. "– but I was getting too warm."

"Hmmph." Rolf nodded. "A poor excuse for a winter's morn, yes? Take these." He removed his gloves and shoved them at Nazz. "I have no use for them."

Nazz clutched tightly onto the gloves. They were big and rough and warm. It was almost like holding his hand.

"Now that Rolf's body is efficient, he must remove the pile of white flakes," he said, running back to his work before he even noticed that Nazz was melting over his gloves. He mounted the tractor and as it loosed smog into the air it became clearer than ever that she could not get a kiss from him, but she wouldn't admit it.

"Do you need any help?" she shouted.

Rolf advanced towards her, pushing along a dwarfing snowdrift. "No," Rolf said. "The winter weather has compromised your skills, I am afraid." His voice was powerful enough to be heard over the tractor without shouting.

"I thought you weren't cold!"

"_Rolf _is not cold. But you need to replace your bear-hide coat lest you harden like the contents of Nana's intestines."

Nazz sighed. She'd failed, and how could she have hoped differently? The love of her life was a gay boy. Oh well, at least he cared about her health. Nazz only glared at the jacket draped over her arm as she started to follow her footprints back across the cul-de-sac. Perhaps she was leaving it off just to be obstinate, but as she walked, a suspicion crept upon her that made her want to leave it there in the snow.

She turned around and shouted as loudly as she possibly could. "Rolf! This jacket – is the hair on it real?"

Rolf glanced at her through his protective goggles. "Skinned and sewn by cousin Dmitri himself."

Nazz cringed. Then she scrambled to her knees and prayed he hadn't seen her curl her fingers and accidentally drop the jacket.

"A foolish question, Nazz-girl. Only the best is appropriate for a shepherd's bride-to-be," Rolf added before revving up the tractor's engine.

Nazz brushed the snow out of her hair and ran the rest of the way home with real bear skin embracing her. It was definitely not going to school with her, but she'd stuffed Rolf's gloves in the pockets and she couldn't throw it away. If a kiss from Rolf was what it took to keep her going, she was going to have to make out with his clothes – the next best thing.

* * *

That very afternoon Nazz's ovaries finally burst in confusion when Rolf kissed her hard in front of everyone.

She had been taking her time on the front steps of the school, staring down at the other kids' footprints in the slush while Sarah ranted about coordinate geometry, dawdling and feeling certain that they were the last to leave the building, when suddenly someone behind her clutched her by the shoulder with a large staff. The next thing she knew, one of her feet was swept off the stair as Rolf's elbows hooked under her arms and their mouths collided. His hands pushed against her shoulders and back with all the familiarity he'd refused her not an hour before when they were alone in the computer lab. He turned their bodies so their embrace was on full display for the kids, who oohed and ahhed in disgust.

Nazz was immediately lost, but not so much that she couldn't hear another set of footsteps coming through the doorway. She squinted one eye open just in time to see a red baseball cap passing her by. The orange hair underneath it looked tousled.

_The love of her life was a gay boy. _

She drew away from Rolf with a sheepish smile. Her breath came out short. Kevin may have been her boyfriend once, but she was so repulsed by him that she couldn't make out with anyone with whom he'd just exchanged quickies. She could see the sex still lingering in Rolf's posture. Wordlessly (for she had no words to say) she waved him goodbye and raced to catch up with Sarah, masking her humiliation with girlish giggles.

"That is smoke I smell!" shouted Ed, who abandoned his friends and cowered by the bike rack until Nazz and Sarah passed. He jumped on top of his sister and said, "Sarah! Are you on fire?"

"Get off me, you idiot!" Sarah replied, throwing him to the ground. "I'm _fine!_ Although . . . " She stopped and sniffed. "Nazz, do you smell smoke?"

Nazz grimaced and giggled. "Rolf has a pipe," she said quietly.

Sarah's eyebrows perked up. She leaned in close to Nazz and inhaled. "It's coming from her, Ed. Quit worrying."

"Nazz is on fire?" Ed had that vigilante look on his face again, and Nazz braced herself for him trying to put her out. But then he remembered who she was marrying. He hesitated, but soon he went running, cheeks flushed, back to Edd and Eddy. Not one Kanker reacted when he passed them.

Nazz's arm started to tickle and she looked down to see that Sarah's hands were all over her. She seemed hypnotized. "He was all over you, wasn't he?" she said huskily. "You are so fucking lucky . . . Ooh! Sorry, I have to go! Eddy stopped to tie his shoe!"

Nazz briefly considered walking home. Of course, she ended up taking the bus, but she feared that if the conversation swayed towards anything even vaguely related to Rolf, Kevin, marriage, or emotions, she would implode from an inability to express herself. She managed to avoid talking to anyone throughout the ride by snuggling up to the window and sniffing her coat as if she were reliving an intimate moment. She was really only cursing the existence of tobacco pipes.

By the end of the month, though, she would almost be used to it.

Rolf always smoked after he'd been with Kevin. He had to be covert with it at school, of course, but when they were back home in the cul-de-sac, he had no problems whipping out the Ewe-Thigh Pipe and taking ostentatious puffs for all to see, whistling out timber smoke, and singeing the collar of Nazz's shirt as he went in to kiss her.

He also always kissed his fiancee after he'd been with Kevin. It was heavy, dirty tonguing and always, _always _in front of people, as if his secret boyfriend was just rehearsal for the actual performance. There was nothing fake about it. The force behind the kisses drained Nazz of all energy and free will, often leaving her at the mercy of her tenuously supportive friends.

She ate it all up. Rolf was probably brilliant, with the way he rendered her incapable of jealousy. December brought her a level of sexual frustration the likes of which not even Lee Kanker could fathom. The scent of smoke came to be an instant reminder that she was being used, and Rolf was such a man that making a beard out of a girl was just overcompensating. But being used was the most fulfilling job Nazz could have ever wished for. She was in such a guilt-kissed haze that things got done: her homework started coming in on time and her blow-dryer found itself at the bottom of her bathroom wastebasket. If her own fiancee didn't care if she was sporting a cowlick, there was no reason for her to care. The boys stopped drooling and the girls stopped glaring, and she didn't even notice until Jimmy pointed it out to her.

"Girlfriend, you've lost yourself in the honeymoon stage. Your man might be wild and spontaneous, but as your maid-of-honor, I'm here to reality-check. This wedding is about Nazz."

"I don't have a maid-of-honor," said Nazz. She wriggled her shoulders, seeking out Jimmy's "magic fingers." Ever since he'd named himself her personal masseuse, it was apparent that his hands had been mirages all along.

"I've picked out a tuxedo the exact same color as your bridesmaids' dresses."

"Bridesmaids' dresses?"

"They're the exact same color as your roses."

Nazz turned around on her bed to face him. "Rolf likes chrysanthemums."

Jimmy frowned as he stretched out his fingers. Nazz could hear twigs snapping. "Owie! Oh, silly me. I'd have sworn you said roses."

Nazz shrugged her tight shoulders. "It's fine," she sighed as she flipped through the binder. Every picture was an explosion of frills and pinks and hearts and price tags she knew Jimmy could never reach. She didn't remember agreeing to anything, except for that simple sheath dress. She found it, taped together and ironed flat, after skipping over pages and pages of tulle and ruffles. As she gazed at it, her eyes kept drifting to the model and for the first time, she noticed her red hair, her long neck, and her pursed mouth. The model was Sarah, an older Sarah who was finally ready to commit to one special boy. And so, her dress was still in the running.

"_Listen up, Nazz, because you are special. You are . . . "_ Nazz only caught pieces of Jimmy's rousing "maid-of-honor" speech as he paced back on forth on her mattress. _"...and loved. Yes, lovely and loved, but . . . " _She realized how lucky she was. _"...do something about your hair, I beg you. It looks better in the humidity . . . " _Sure, both her and Jimmy's loves were unrequited. But at least she still got to make out with hers. _"... but above all, the opposite gender _does not _control you!"_

Jimmy's face was pink as he placed his toes, pointed, on Nazz's footboard and raised a fist of empowerment into the air. Nazz clapped and was just about to fake a sincere "thank you" when something hit her window with a thump. It startled Jimmy and sent him collapsing into her lap.

"Is someone shooting us?" he whimpered.

"No, sweetie." Nazz hugged him and ran to the window. She peered out, hoping to see a confused bird lying on the ground. Instead, she saw one of the last people she wanted to see standing on her doorstep. She panicked and pulled down her blinds. "Oh God, what does he want?" she said, covering her face with her hands.

"Who?"

"It's Kevin." Nazz shuffled towards her bedroom door. He knew she was there, so she had to answer.

Jimmy leapt up. He was dizzy from his fall, but within seconds he was blocking the exit. "The ex-lover has come to ruin the wedding?" he said dramatically. "Not if I, James K. Jacobs can help it! You are not to see him under any circumstances, Miss Nazz, so I will perform as a conduit between the two of you."

Nazz's eyes widened. "Jimmy! Don't –" she cried, but she was unable to finish before her wedding planner had dashed downstairs.

Thirty seconds of awful screaming later, he was back upstairs with his left eye already swelling purple.

"Can I go talk to him now?" asked Nazz.

Jimmy coughed. "Be wary. He's horribly inebriated." He shuddered. "On Bartles and Jaymes."

Nazz lay him down on her bed before putting on a brave face and heading slowly downstairs. Jimmy had left the door wide open and Kevin had let himself inside. He was reclining against the wall with an empty wine cooler bottle in his fist and a shattered flowerpot by his feet. Nazz sighed in relief. If he'd been really drunk, he would have peed in it.

"So the kid tells me he's your personal bodyguard now. How many different guys do you need to replace me?" Kevin followed Nazz down the stares with his humorless glare. When she finally got close to him, he coughed in her face.

Nazz folded an arm across her chest as she stared him right in the shoulder. She hadn't spoken with Kevin ever since her engagement. In fact, she'd deliberately avoided him, giving him more time and reason to swell with jealous rage. "You didn't need to hit him," she muttered.

Kevin gritted his teeth. "No," he said. "But it was fun." Without warning, he took her chin in his reddened hand and tilted her head up. Nazz stared at his ear as he pulled her into a bitter kiss.

It felt like her head was stuck between two stubborn posts. She pushed weakly against Kevin's shoulders, and although each time he nipped at her and tried to pull her back in, it didn't take much force to break free. Shaking and gasping for air, Nazz shrieked, "Kevin, I dumped you."

Kevin furrowed his eyebrows and wiped off his mouth. "Worst mistake ever."

"You just slobber all over me, but only when it's convenient for you! It was _all _about you, and somehow you still don't understand that I love Rolf!"

"Fair point." Kevin cooly started walking towards her, and she covered her mouth in embarrassment. She couldn't believe she'd exploded like that. Kevin, meanwhile was completely calm. His expression was even softening, sloppy and red as it may have been. "But at least when things are all about me, they're all about you, too," he said, pacing towards her until she was on the spot, her back tense against the opposite wall.

Her heel grazed a shard of glass from a picture frame he'd knocked to the floor and she gulped. "You're drunk and you're not making any sense," she said hoarsely.

So he said the phrase he could never mess up. "You know I love you."

Nazz scowled. "Yes."

"Well, here's something else you oughta know. Rolf doesn't."

"You don't know that!"

Kevin smiled with false pity and reached out to stroke her hair. She slapped him away before he could graze her scalp and he withdrew slightly, shaking out his hand. "I know it," he said. "And I'll tell you how."

Nazz stopped breathing. Was she about to get a confession? A confession would make it impossible for her to pretend any longer.

But after a moment of hesitation, gazing at his red fingers, Kevin shook his head and lied. "I am Rolf's best friend," he said. "If he were in love with anyone, he would tell me. And dammit, babe, that son-of-a-bitch has never mentioned you." He snarled. "Or is he just a bitch now?"

Nazz could see the hatred dripping from his eyes. Of course Rolf hadn't mentioned her. She had a feeling that if he mentioned anything to Kevin in private instead of keeping him quiet with sex, Kevin would have ripped his throat out. Or at least he would've tried – Rolf was too much of a man to take that.

"I'm not getting back together with you," Nazz said. "No matter what kind of crap you say about Rolf, he is kind and generous and deep and, like, fifty times hotter than you. He gave me a blouse made from genuine stink-worm silk." Because Kevin was weak, she ducked around him with no trouble and was halfway up the stairs before he could even react. "And if you loved me so much, you would have confronted me like this a month ago."

"They'd kick me off the football team if I drank like this all the time, babe!" he shouted, with tremors in his voice indicating he was fighting off tears. "Double-Dork got me chatting with him and it turns out he's got a stash of B&J in his room. Drinks because his girlfriend likes to hurt him when they 'get intimate.' I say, a dork should take what he gets." He smirked, as if this was something he expected them to bond over. "What a fucking fag, huh?"

Nazz froze with her feet two steps apart from each other. Thank God her stairs had one handrail, because it felt like Kevin had punched her in the lungs without even touching her. Had he really said that word?

_Fag?_

The love of her life was a gay boy, and he couldn't love her back because he wanted this jerk. This _hypocrite. _In that one moment in the middle of the staircase, she had her first lucid thought in weeks. She would be more than a beard. Her fiancee needed her help to fall out of love with the other man.

* * *

**A/N: I know that if I make any promises now, I'll just be making excuses later. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review!**


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